Fungii, Not Food

A few weeks ago, TV Stevie came home from a business dinner and raved about the food and the restaurant where he and his boss met with a potential client. So I said, "Let's go there on our anniversary."

"Great idea," said TV Stevie.

Well, our anniversary is coming up, so I hopped on the Internet to see if the restaurant has a menu posted on-line. Luck! Menu, wine list, virtual tour of the dining room . . . this turn-of-the-19th-century establishment is firmly entrenched in the 21st century. I was impressed.

The wine list enthralled me. Several very nice selections. Then I began to peruse the menu.

Okay, I'm a modern girl. I don't think French Onion Soup and Shrimp Cocktail are the epitome of a first-class appetizer, and not finding them on the menu isn't an issue. In fact, the calamari starter looks great.

I was feeling good until I reached the list of entrees. Uh-oh. There are maybe two selections that aren't covered in either mushrooms or tomatoes, neither of which I like. I will tolerate tomatoes to a certain extent, but mushrooms are fungus, like athletes foot, and I refuse to eat them.

In fact, one of my fantasy careers is to open a restaurant and refuse to serve mushrooms on anything. Ever. Or hard-boiled eggs. Or green bell peppers (I love red bell peppers, especially roasted, but green? EYIIIIIIIICK!) Or mayonnaise. (Mayonnaise was invented to hide the rotting flavor of spoiled food. It is a loathesome substance. I'm not the only one who thinks so, either. Check out the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club )

I'm suspicious of a chef who has to hide his cooking beneath a parasitic plant that is propigated in poop and is primarily texture without substance. Why does he does he need to do this if he can really cook?

I do not understand why most entrees are smothered in fungus. Why can't there be menu selections without mushrooms? I mean besides the stuff with the wasabi in it (shudder).

When I dabbled with vegetarianism, a huge problem was the number of recipes calling for mushrooms. And the majority of veggie patties on the market are primarily formed from mushrooms.

It must be a conspiracy of the Mushroom Pluckers of America or something.

TV Stevie is in on it. Why else would he suggest such a place, when after 19 years of marriage he should know I don't like mushrooms?